Bert's Cooking Show
by SloTurtle Corp
Summary: Ever wandered how to correctly cook dwarf? Or what is the best recipe for Hobbit jelly? Well, you can learn all these thing and more on Bert's Cooking Show! Starring Bert the Troll! Don't forget to suggest what should be cooked next, or asked questions in the reviews!
1. Chapter 1

**A/n **

**Hey guys! I'm sorry that this is so late, or if it offends anyone. First off, YAY! First chapter of Bert's Cooking Show! A show about Bert the troll and his amazing...? recipes. Second, WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE RECIPES AT HOME WITHOUT TROLL SUPER VISION.**

* * *

Announcer: Welcome to the all new Hobbit Productions project, Bert's Cooking Show! Now for our host, Bert the Troll!

_*Bert marches in, wearing a brand new apron &amp; chef hat*_

Bert: 'Ello 'Ello! Glad to be 'ere tonigh'. I'm sure your guts're rumblin' for my 'omestyle cookin'!

_*Bert turns to the side of the stage*_

Bert: Let's see 'oo our victim- I mean main course is tonigh'. Will! Bring 'em in!

_*William carries a wriggling sack onto stage &amp; dumps it onto the floor.*_

Bert: Hmm, Yes. Very nice.

_*Bert pulls Aragorn's hair so that he is standing on his knees. Aragorn has a gag in his mouth, muffling his protests.*_

Bert: Now, this is the perfect ingredient for Human steak drizzled with raspberry sauce.

_*Bert sets Aragorn on the kitchen counter.*_

Bert: We'll start by cleaning the meat.

_*Bert takes off Aragon's gag. Aragon bites Bert.*_

Bert: Oi! Why you 'ittle! Come back 'ere!

_*Aragorn bites off the ropes bindings &amp; runs away, leaving an angry Bert with a bleeding thumb.*_

Bert: Well, looks like our dinner 'as run off. Guess we're 'avin nuffin' ta eat tonigh'. Farewell, I suppose.

Announcer: Will Bert get to cook something next episode? Will he get rabies from Aragorn? Will his foods taste awful? All will be answered next time, on Bert's Cooking Show.

* * *

**A/n**

**Yeah yeah, I know.**

**"SloTurtle, we waited this long for THIS?" **

**Sorry, but I haven't gotten everything completely laid out. So this is sort of a practice episode.**

**Trust me though, it'll get easier to writer better &amp; longer chapters once we're further in the show.**

**Hope you enjoyed,**

**Toodles!**


	2. Flergema burgler

**A/n **

**WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE RECIPES AT HOME WITHOUT TROLL SUPER VISION.**

* * *

Announcer: Welcome to the all new Hobbit Productions project, Bert's Cooking Show! Now for our host, Bert the Troll!

Bert: "Welcome back! I understand that we didn't to cook anything last time, And I apologize for that. This time, we made sure that the main ingredient is unarmed."

*Bert opens large pot filled with broth, carrots, potatoes, and a tied up Bilbo Baggins.*

Bert: "Flergemaburgler 'Obbit stew!"

*Bert lights stove, heating the pot.*

Bilbo: "AHHH! Thorin, help!"

*Thorin munches on popcorn in audience.*

Bilbo: "Damn dwarves."

*Bilbo frowns at camera.*

?: "NO!"

*Tall, dark haired man swings in on rope and snatches Bilbo out of the soup.*

Bert:"Oi! You come back 'ere wiff my dinner!"

?: "John, oh my dear John! Did the big awful troll hurt you?"

Bilbo: "Who are you?"

Sherlock: "John, don't be more stupid than you already are."

*Sherlock carries still tied up Bilbo off stage, leaving a confused troll.*

**A.n**

**Sorry it's short... agin. I don't know if Bert'll ever get to eat his intended meal. Leave a review on what you want Bert to conjure up next, or ask him questions, we all know how much trolls _love_ fanmail. Tehee.**

~ Toodles~

**Toodles!**


	3. Mail Time w The Cast

**A/n**

**This is a new part of the show called Mail time With Bert! I was thinking it could be at the end of every episode/chapter, but I decided to make one afterwards on the comments and things from the recent one. So yeah, enjoy.**

* * *

Bert: "This is a new segment dedicated to you, my fans! I'm not quite sure wot to call it, but I'm sure you lot'll think of somethin'."

*Bert puts on tiny spectacles and looks at laptop*

Bert: "Our very first question for the show is from ToTeaOrNotToTea. She asks, 'I was wondering if there's a specific type of squirrel dung that Bert uses in his stew or would any type of squirrel dung do?'. Well, ToTeaOrNotToTea, that is a _very _nice question. Anyone you know will say, 'Aw juss put any ole squirrel dung in there, s'all fine!' Bah! Idiots the lot of 'em. I say, the absolute best squirrel dung for stew is southern fox squirrel. Now if you're lookin' for sauté's... then it's a whole different story."

Sam: "And don't forget to ask more questions or write fan letters in the reviews! *mumbles* Although, Bert's head is already big enough."

Bert: "Wot was that, 'Obbit!?"

Sam: "Uhhh... That's a wrap!

* * *

**A.n**

** Leave a review on what you want Bert to conjure up next, or ask him questions, I'll make sure Bert answers ****them all!**


	4. Human Shish Kabobs

**A/n **

**WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE RECIPES AT HOME WITHOUT TROLL SUPER VISION.**

* * *

Announcer: "Welcome to a Hobbit Productions project, Bert's Cooking Show! Now for our host, Bert the Troll!"

Bert: "'Ello! I understand that today is an 'Oliday for the weak humans. So, in the spirit of 'Thanksgiving', I'm going to cook up a human dish."

*Bert puts on his spectacles and reads note.*

Bert: "Me mum's ole recipe for not other than 'Uman shish kabobs!"

*William lays tied up Savespot Productions and Nuka.*

Bert: "These specially voul_een_teered. Good, dedicated fans 'dey are."

*Bert wipes away tear.*

Crowd: "Awww..."

Bert: "Right, let's get the food started."

*Bert pulls out large, pointy sticks.*

Savespot: "Woah! Don't even think about it! Unless you want _**that** _going were the sun don't shine!"

*Nuka chuckles.*

Bert: "Oi, you two shut it!"

Nuka: "Never!"

*Nuka whistles, signaling for Rascavel Rabbits dressed as Wargs to run, scaring William, who was holding a lighter, which fell into a box of fireworks which blew up, also blowing up the TNT under the stage, shattering the floor directly under Bert, where he fell into a large pool of Pepsi and drowned.*

Savespot: "Yay!"

*Savespot's face sorta looks like (X3)*

*William dives into Pepsi to save Bert*

Announcer: "Uh... I honestly don't know what just happened... Bye?"

**A.n**

**Well, wasn't that a fun adventure? Don't forget to leave a review on what you want Bert to conjure up next, or ask him questions, we all know how much trolls _love_ fanmail. Tehee. And Happy Thanksgiving!**


	5. Mailtime With The Cast

**A/n**

**This is a new part of the show called Mail time With Bert! I was thinking it could be at the end of every episode/chapter, but I decided to make one afterwards on the comments and things from the recent one. So yeah, enjoy.**

* * *

Bert: "This is a new segment dedicated to you, my fans! I'm calling it Mail Time Wiff the Cast! Since Sam won't stay away."

*Bert adjusts his tiny spectacles and looks at laptop*

Bert: "Our first question is from savespot productions chapter 3 . Nov 16

'Bert, say I'm making a eleven cake for my grandmums's birthday. Should I use eleven royalty or just any old elf? (I prefer Mirkwood elves, they add that sweet honey flavor.)' True, Mirkwood elves add that needed sweetness for the cake. I do prefer the royalty, which are more refined and have a berry like flavor. Unless you like the woody, earthy wine kind of taste, then get an elven ranger. I do think I need to make an episode for this...

Next question is from wockerjabi

'It makes my world brighter to know that this fic exists.  
Perhaps Bert's Cooking Show could have a guest appearance from Sam? I know Sam would have been a child when Bert passed, but surely this show is exempt from the canon timeline.' Well innint that sweeter than a Mirkwood elf? Wait- wot do you mean 'passed'?"

Sam: "Don't worry about it, Bert. Good news is, I've got fans!"

Bert: " Bah- now you've got 'em going. Looks like he's going to be on the show more offen."

Sam: "The people love me!"

Bert: "S'pose you want to read the last one?"

Sam: "Of course. Morning Misty requests,

'Fili and Kili making Bert look like a fool. Please. Puppy eyes staring at screen.' You asked the right Hobbit, because I can make that happen."

Bert: "Make wot happen?"

*Fili and Kili jump out from behind chair*

Fili and Kili: "This!"

*Fili and Kili each grab one of Bert's cheeks and pull out*

Bert: "WHY I OT A!"

*Bert swings around, slapping his arms around and falls backwards*

Kili: "Try to eat us will you?"

Fili: "And then go after Mr. Boggins?" 'tsk tsk tsk'

*Fili and Kili sit down on Bert, resting their heads on their hands.*

Bert:"Get these maggots off me!"

*Sam chuckles and turns to camera*

Sam: "I'll be seein' you next time! And don't forget to make requests and ask questions! Also, don't be afraid to write me fan letters!"

Bert: "'Obbit!"

Sam: "Goodbye!"

* * *

**A.n**

** Leave a review on what you want Bert to conjure up next, or ask him questions, I'll make sure Bert (Or Sam) answers ****them all!**


	6. Wiz Turkey

**A/n **

**WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE RECIPES AT HOME WITHOUT TROLL SUPER VISION.**

* * *

Announcer: "Welcome to a Hobbit Productions project, Bert's Cooking Show! Now for our host, Bert the Troll!"

Bert: "'Ello! I Can't believe you 'umans! There're 'Olidays left an right! At this rate- I'll run out of ideas! Not to worry though- Bert'll be here to help you prepare for an 'Oliday feast!"

*Bert pulls office chair onto stage. Gandalf is tied to it.*

Bert: "Time to make Wizard turkey!"

*Gandalf mutters grumpily.*

Bert: "First- Get yer baster ready."

*Bert puts on disposable gloves and pulls out large baster."

Gandalf: "Don't you dare! I've never seen such disrespect! And, I thought I turned you to stone."

Bert: "Gorgon dust. Works wonders on the complexion. Bahahahaha!"

*Bert covers Gandalf with golden baste... Don't ask... it's a family recipe.*

Sam: "Sorry Mr. Gandalf! I wish I could help, but my hands are tied."

Gandalf: "You're the producer for Merlin's sake!"

Sam: "No- you don't understand. My hands are literally tied. They're doing this on their own. It's a troll uprising."

*Gandalf rolls his eyes and shouts in Elfish.*

Gandalf: "Filthy Hobbits! I have to do everything myself!"

*Eagles fly down and start pecking the troll, releasing Gandalf from his binds.*

Bert: "Oh no you don't! I WILL have my food this time!"

*Bert wrangles one of the eagles down out of the air. A poof of feathers cloud the screen.*

(POOF! :D)

*a golden brown roasted giant eagle is on a wooden platter*

Bert: "Yes! Victory is mine!"

*Audience claps and cheers*

Bert: "Thank ye. Thank ye. Let's all go to the Green Dragon to celebrate!"

*Everyone leaves, cheering 'Bert! Bert! Bert!'*

Announcer: "Uh- Bert? My hands are still tied! Anybody? . . . Help!"

* * *

**A.n**

**Well, this year has gone by fast, hasn't it? Don't forget to leave a review on what you want Bert to conjure up next, or ask him questions, we all know how much trolls _love_ fanmail. And don't forget to have a Happy Holiday!**


	7. Mail-time w The Cast

**A/n**

**This new part of the show called Mail time With Bert (and friends considering Sam bursts in all the time)! So, here is how it works- You guys comment a request or question on a previous episode/chapter and it will be reviewed/answered by our cast! Here's to you lovely fans, Bert appreciates ya!**

* * *

Bert: "Oi! Wot's this? We're back?! I thought the show'd been canceled."

*Bert looks at the camera with a start, setting his cup of dingleberry tea down.*

Sam: "I believed that too, until we got a notice from the writer. Something about her laptop going berserk... Don't you check your E-mail?"

Bert: "'Course not! This lot's been fillin' it up with... _undesirable_ fanfictions of you and me... and me cooking spoon._"_

Sam: "O-KAY! ONTO THE FANMAIL!"

*Sam's face is red and he shuffles through burlap sack*

Bert: " Hmph- who've we got 'em fer?"

Sam: "Me- obviously!"

Bert: "S'pose you lot ere the cause o' that?"

*Bert looks at camera and points thumb at Sam who is excitedly opening mail.*

Sam: "Right, first letter to me is from

Nuka and Sister, on Nov 27, 2014

_Last chapter, we couldn't stop laughing! Mom looked at us, and that look of worried confusion crossed her face, but at the same time she was like "control it girls" but OMA that was awesome! Thankyou so very much! BTW you RP'ed me perfectly!_  
_ Batteries_  
_ Piano_  
_ I POD_  
_ Pure Lemon Essence (AKA super sour)_  
_ Shampoo Conditioner_  
_ Dandriff_  
_ Shoes_  
_ Toejam_

_ Those are the things that Sister and I have decided to give Bert on a second attempt to cook me! Lets see how this turns out!_ Well, I do hope your Mother will allow you to still stay updated on the show! And as for the request, I _am _the hobbit to make things happen. I'll see if I can pull a few strings."

Bert: "Wot're you blabberin' bout'?"

Sam: "Nothing! Oh, hey! A letter for you, Bert!"

Bert: "Well, you'd look at that! Me fans're still juss as loyal to ole Bert! O'ight... This ere is from an ole guest star and fan-

savespot productions on Nov 29, 2014

_Ahh Sam._  
_ I must say, you are certainly the best. But I have to ask. Are you planning to do a second season of Gandalf's reading corner? Just asking._  
_ This question is for Bert now so you can stop reading._

_ Bert, as much as we LOVE your cooking. Don't you think it's a bit weird that you get thwarted every time you try to cook something? I mean it's kind of ridiculous. Oh and by the way._  
_ I have bruises where you tied me up too tight you jerk!_  
_ It's not like I'm going to run away..._  
_ Well maybe just a little._ OI! This wasn' fer me! You little... 'sigh'. I am a _wondeerful_ cook, 'ave you know! And Sam!"

Sam: "Y-yes?"

Bert: "Answer this fine young ladies question."

*Sam sighs in relief and takes letter*

Sam: "Thank you, Miss Savespot, I do pride myself in my Tv production skills, but as to your wondering about Gandalf's show, I'm not sure- you'll have to ask Mr. Gandalf your self. He was the host and just like Bert, he can choose to quit the show- w-within the one season minimum to the contract, of course!"

Bert: "That ole boggie was a show 'ost? Well! Now I don' feel much as special now do I!"

*Sam chuckles, giving Bert a DvD for Gandalf's Reading Corner*

Sam: "Oh, Bert! This one really is for you."

Bert: "Don' mess wiff me..."

*takes letter. Smiles toothless smile*

Bert: "I'll be a Goblins uncle- and I am on me sisters side- I got one! This one is from

savvytimelordgirl on Jan 14

_Hello bert. I was wondering, could you please tell me how to eat a bogan? Because Australia Day is coming up and i want to be able to eat some lowlife australians while listening to triple j's hottest one hundred. _

_ Yours sincerely, savvytimelordgirl(one of your devoted fans down under). _

Aw... wait- down under where?"

Sam: 'pfft!' "You said down!"

Bert: "I honestly don' see 'ow you can be as brill-yunt as you say you are. Anyway, I would love to eat a boog... bargerblu... buckbeak... buhbur... BAH! I'll eat 'em anyways! I do 'ope this doesn't ruin yer 'Oliday, with us answerin' late an all. Perhaps we can make it up by actually comin' over ter yer home an catchin' some free roamin' tribe people! 'Ave ourselves a noice BBQ!"

Sam: "Yeah, sounds fun! Might even invite Mr. Frodo if it didn't involve eating people."

Bert: "Neh! Yer juss a buzzkill."

Sam: "We'll see you soon as the next show airs."

Bert: "May yer swords stay as sharp as ye appetite!"

* * *

**A.n**

** Leave a review on what you want Bert to conjure up next, or ask him questions, I'll make sure Bert (Or Sam... or anyone) answers ****them all!**


	8. The Big Bang

**A/n**

**Sorry it took so long to update- writers block and be a dwarf turd. I also was trying to work out whose request to do first, I mean, look at them! They're all amazing! In the end I decided to try to do them all... May Seldarine have mercy upon me...**

* * *

**WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE RECIPES AT HOME WITHOUT TROLL SUPER VISION.**

* * *

Announcer: "Welcome to a Hobbit Productions project, Bert's Cooking Show! Now for our host, Bert the Troll!"

*Audience cheers as large curtains are pulled back*

SloTurtle: "Err... Hi."

*SloTurtle awkwardly stands in front of now silent audience*

SloTurtle: "So- uh~ Welcome! To... Bert's Cooking Show! Heheh..."

*Sam motions SloTurtle to carry on*

SloTurtle: "Oh- heh- yeah. You guys're probably wondering what the heck I'm doing here! Well, uh, Bert sort of caught a nasty illness from Tom- who's always sick. He won't be able to attend the show until his recovery, so until we can find a temporary replacement... I'll be here, yay..."

*SloTurtle gives nervous and halfhearted smile*

Sam: "What are we making today?"

SloTurtle: "Oh! Right. I- erm- have this list of names... But I'm pretty sure they are ingredients. I do have to warn you, folks in the front row- you are in the blast/splash/spray zone."

*William comes in, carry a large grocery bag that says 'Maulmart' on the side*

SloTurtle: Okay, thank you Bill! Could you move that cauldron over here?"

*William grumbles and moves cauldron, accidentally ramming into a grand piano, splintering it.*

SloTurtle: "Oh poof! The piano keys got into it. Maybe if I just..."

*SloTurtle leans over edge of the cauldron- which is exceedingly taller than her*

SloTurtle: "Almost... got it... AH! NO! MY IPOD!"

*SloTurtle falls off of cauldron, pouting slightly*

SloTurtle: "You know what? Bugger to it! I'm going to attempt troll cooking."

*SloTurtle drags ladder to cauldron and pours ingredients into it.*

?: "Mmph!"

SloTurtle: "Huh? Oh, hi there! I've seen you before haven't I?"

Nuka: "Yes. _You're _the one who kidnapped me the last time!"

SloTurtle: "Well how about that... I thought I'd gone to school with you or something."

*SloTurtle throws another large sack into cauldron*

?: "Hey! Let me out this INSTANT!"

Nuka: "Cheese and crackers, princess. What's got _your_ undies in a bunch?"

Willow: "I have never been so insulted in my life! I demand to be released!"

Nuka: "Calm down, the guy who's cooking us is an idiot, we'll get away soon enough... Well, long as the writer doesn't decide to go all crazy while writing this..."

SloTurtle: "Woah there! Sorry, can't have you breaking the fourth wall, you know? And Bert isn't here today, I'm the chef for now."

Nuka: "Whelp, we're done for."

*SloTurtle shuffles around in bag*

SloTurtle: "Oops..."

Willow: " 'Oops' what?!"

SloTurtle: "I was supposed to wash the food before cooking it... wasn't I."

Willow: "Oh no you don't!"

Nuka: " I thought this was a kids' show!"

SloTurtle: "Uhhh, this'll have to do!"

*SloTurtle pours shampoo and conditioner*

Nuka: "My feet are cold!"

*SloTurtle sighs and tosses shoes into cauldron*

Nuka: "Owww, hey! There's toe jam in these, gross!"

SloTurtle: "Hmm... I think battery acid'll give it an explosive zing, don't you?"

Willow: "You're insane!"

SloTurtle: "Incoming!"

*Nuka and Willow yelp in surprise as batteries rain down upon them*

SloTurtle: "Man, cooking is actually kinda fun!"

*Dumps bucket of lemon juice and dandruff into mix*

*Willow gags in disgust*

SloTurtle: "BILL!"

* William lumbers onto stage, scowling*

William: "Wot?"

SloTurtle: "Could you be a lamb and light the fire for me?"

*William lights fire under cauldron*

Sam: "Nonononono-no, don't do that-"

**BOOM**

*Cauldron is blown to bits all that is left is extremely singed Nuka and Willow*

Willow: 'cough cough'

Nuka: "That. Was. AWESOME!"

SloTurtle: 'sigh' "I suppose it isn't the worst thing I've cooked... Last time it wasn't originally alive before moving."

*Sam facepalms in embarrassment*

Announcer: 'cough cough- GAG!' "Blergh... Din't go anywhere... we'll be back soon with... Mail time with the cast!"

* * *

**A.n**

** Yep, that happened. Hope you guys liked it, and will send a little fanmail Bert's way! In fact, you can send fanmail to anyone involved with the show. (Characters from LOTR/Hobbit, cast of show, etc.) **

**Again, sorry for the wait. Bert sends his love to each and every one of you, and I promise you, he'll get better soon enough! **


	9. MailTime with the Cast 4

**A/n**

**This is the segment Mail Time With The Cast. So, here is how it works- You guys comment a request or question on a previous episode/chapter and it will be reviewed/answered by our cast! Here's to you lovely fans, Bert appreciates ya, and We hope he gets back soon!**

* * *

*slightly flushed Sloturtle shuffles to Bert's usual, oversized chair.*

Sloturtle: "Er. . . Hello, Sloturtle here. . . Again. Uh, sorry for this getting up so late. My computer was damaged during the. . . Um... fiasco last time. Bert, sadly, is still sick, the poor chap. But never mind, we're here to read mail!"

* Sam sits on stool next to Sloturtle and opens burlap mail bag*

Sam: "This one is from Telekinesis Fae Flamingsword  
That was quite funny, (though i KNOW Willow won't agree!) i am sad that Bert didn't get the fun of cooking Willow though.. (whoops! shouldn't have written that! ack! No! No Villa, don't you dare attack me,or else i'll make YOU do it next time! yes i know willow is your cousin, but she volunteered to do it... (hmm, i rather like the idea of you being on the show... i'll have to think about that) huh? what? no i didn't MEAN it... anyways, GO AWAY!) so now that Villa Marilenze is gone, please use her the next time you can.  
Thanks!  
Tella"

Sloturtle: "Uhhhm. . . What?"

*Sam shakes his head, exhaling*

Sam: "Hey, a letter for me! Another devoted fan no doubt!"

Sloturtle: "Just read the letter, shorty."

Sam: "Ahem. This is from Savespot productions.  
'Sam can you turn Sloturtle into the new host? Please?'."

*Sloturtle begins laughing at Sam who is looking completely disappointed.*

Sloturtle: "You got a fan letter for me? HAHA *snort* HAHAH!"

Sam: "Well guess what? You have to be in the next episode! So haha to you!"

*Sloturtle stops laughing and wipes tear from eye*

Sloturtle: "Oh shorty, you crack me up. I'm the writer, technically, I can make you do whatever I want! I could just suddenly have the urge to make you chicken dance while writing this if I wanted to."

Sam: "Woahoho, hold up! I thought you said no breaking the fourth wall?"

Sloturtle: "It's fine if _I_ do it. I'm the writer. Next question, please."

*Sam nervously opens the next letter, afraid he might suddenly do something due to the odd writer. The fabulous writer. The extremely awesom-*

Sam: "Okay! We get it! Oh, this is from Nuka."

Sloturtle: "Really? How is the 'ole girl? She all right?"

Sam: "I'm getting to that! *sigh*  
'This is still really awesome! That. Was. AWESOME! More please, and I hope Bert get's better!  
Hey Sam, why do you stay with this lot, they're a bunch of weirdos that keep kidnapping me!' Well, honestly Nuka, I don't really know. And the only _real_ weirdo is the writer."

*writer takes revenge on Sam by suddenly writing in that he was cursed by goblins with eternal facial hair.*

Sam: "AHHH! MY SWEET BABY FACE!"

* Sam is hyperventilating in background*

Sloturtle: "Well, Nuka, I am sorry for kidnapping you, but you were one of the ingredients to. . . whatever I was cooking. And as for your wishes for Bert, he says thank you and he misses you and all his other fans dearly! Oh? What's this? One more letter?"

*Sloturtle opens letter and laughs*

Sloturtle: " From Christineoftheopera,  
'You should cook the eagle gods that magically fix every problem'. Well, sadly, Christi- can I call you Christi?- is that Bert somehow managed to cook them. It wasn't _intended_ but he still managed. Now if you want to see someone cook something completely wrong, come to me."

*Sam comes out of shock and looks at camera*

Sam: "Guess that's the last of the letters, see you guys next- woah!"

*Sam gets up and starts doing what looks like a merge of the Chicken dance, Gangnam style, and the wabble.*

Sloturtle: "Told you, the urge. Sometimes I get bored while writing. . . and this just happens. Well, bye guys, and see you next time, once we patch up this fourth wall that we completely obliterated."

* * *

**A.n**

** Leave a review on what you want ME to conjure up next, or ask me questions, I'll make sure we answer ****them all!**


	10. Orcs

**A/n**

**Right, so this is so long because I get all smarticles and junk. Bert loves you all and has left a message. Bye!**

* * *

**WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE RECIPES AT HOME WITHOUT TROLL SUPER VISION.**

* * *

Announcer: "Welcome to a Hobbit Productions project, Bert's Cooking Show! Now for our temporary host, SloTurtle!"

*Applause*

SloTurtle: "Hello, and thank you for joining us with Bert's cooking show. Yes, for those of you who are new to the show, Bert the troll is ill. Don't worry, as I've been saying, he is in good hands! Speaking of which, he wanted to send a little message for his fans. WILL!"

*William lumbers onto stage, wheeling an enormous screen*

SloTurtle: "Thanks, that'll be a good spot."

*SloTurtle presses button and screen turns on, showing Bert*

Bert: "'Ello you lot, bet you've been wonderin' where've I been off ta. Well, at the moment I've been tooken care of by a couple o' dwarves that owe me a favor. I'm gettin' better, so you should expect to see me on the show again, rearing to go."

*Bert blows nose in tissue*

Fili &amp; Kili: "Here's your soup..."

*Fili and Kili set down large bowl of various meats and vegetable soup*

Fili: "Ruddy troll."

*Bert clobbers both dwarves with wooden spoon*

Bert: "G'bye!"

*SloTurtle turns video off*

SloTurtle: "Aw, he just loves his fans, now doesn't he?"

*Audience 'aw's and cheers*

SloTurtle: "Right, so. We got a late fan letter asking Bert about Orcs. I knew he wouldn't miss it for the world, showing you guys how to cook an Orc, so I sent the letter to his house and he gave me a reply on what the best way to do it was. The letter is from Skywolf42,  
_Hey Bert, _  
_ What do you find is the best way to cook an Orc? And do pale-skinned orcs taste better or worse than if you use your general run of the mill Orc? Sort of like using skim milk instead of full cream type of deal? _  
_ Any difference or whatever? Pale-skinned orcs are quite difficult to come by you know... And harder to catch. And stay in one piece that is._

Bert says that he doesn't really prefer to cook orc, since they can be rather unsanitary and he prefers to use Uruk-hai if he must, but if you only have the choice between a pale orc and another orc in specific, it all goes down to the spice and flavor of the dish.  
If it is a Morannon Orc that you use, expect a strong and tough texture and a long time skinning them. The Morannon Orcs are the most common and are some of the largest.

On the contrary, Black Uruks, widely known as the elite Uruk- Hai are extremely rare. They have very tough hide and nasty teeth that are almost as bad as their attitude. There are several other types of Orc, none are like the other, so none could be called normal. But, for this circumstance, say we section all other orcs into the 'Orc' category, and make a decision between one of them and a Pale orc. Pale orcs are mostly muscle, not much meat. A 'regular' orc would be best for most dishes."

SloTurtle: "WILL! TOM!"

*Will and Tom drag in a cagecontaining a_ very_ large orc.*

SloTurtle: "Woo. That is a _rabid _looking thing. Glad I wasn't the one to catch him and loose an arm."

*Orc is gnawing on arm. Aragorn:"Dangit!"*

SloTurtle: "Heh. Come on then, into the pot."

*Will sighs and takes out one of those sticks with the loops at the end that are used for alligators and dogs, securing the loop around the orc's neck.*

SloTurtle: "Hurry up, haven't got all day do we?"

*Tom chuckles at Will, who is lifting the violent, demonic, slightly rabid orc out of it's cage.*

SloTurtle: "Careful, we don't want another lawsuit on our hands."

'SNAP!'

Tom: "Uh oh."

Morannon Orc: 'Snarl' "GRAAAAAAA!"

SloTurtle: "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Will: 'girlish scream'

Audience: 'Wilhelm scream' "AHHHHHH"

Sam: "No! SloTurtle, there's no use trying to save Thorin, he's already been bitten, and Gandalf can take care of it like he did last time!

SloTurtle: "No man-Er, dwarf- left behind, Sam!"

Morannon Orc: "RAAAAAWRRRR!"

SloTurtle: "Oh sh- SCREW THAT! You're on your own, sorry Thorin!"

*Everything goes white and Smaug appears on the screen on a swing, wearing a flower bonnet.*

**SCREEN:**"We are having technical difficulties"

* * *

**A.n**

Okay, last update probably for the rest of the month. I'm going to be visiting the east coast in a couple days. Any New York turtles out there, I'll see you at the Phantom of The Opera. I'll be the short, awkward person with 3D glasses.(lens poked out)

I hope you guys have an amazing summer, for those who aren't out yet, hope your finals are okay.  
Sincerely,  
SloTurtle


	11. Mail time w The Cast 5

**A/n**

**This is the segment Mail Time With The Cast. So, here is how it works- You guys comment a request or question on a previous episode/chapter and it will be reviewed/answered by our cast.**

* * *

SloTurtle: " You guys have been waiting for a while, I know, but guess who's back!"

Bert: " 'Ello!"

Crowd: *Cheering*

Bert: "Aw shucks. You lot din't miss me _that_ much, did ye?"

SloTurtle: "You're kidding, right? For almost three months I've been getting comments and letters about how much everyone misses you or asking when you'll be back! Sending that message last time didn't help their worry."

Bert: "I juss warnted te show the fans juss how much I missed 'em too!"

SloTurtle: "Yeah yeah."

Bert: " 'Ow bout that fanmail then? I'm sure you haven't read _all_ of it whilst I was out."

SloTurtle: "Well..."

Bert: "You didn't."

SloTurtle: "I was bored! And the Morannon Orc from last time ate all my books!"

Bert: "Your fault fer bringin' one o' those things onto my set."

SloTurtle: "I didn't do it, Sam did!"

Sam: "Hey!"

Bert: "Ye can't blame the 'Obbit fer all yer problems, 'e don't know what ter do!"

Sam:"I'm right here, guys."

SloTurtle: "Fine, it wasn't Sam. It was Aragorn."

Bert: "Les juss get on wiff the mail."

SloTurtle: "I'm telling you, we don't have anymore-"

Raven: "Delivery for Bert the Troll!"

SloTurtle: 'Sighs'  
*Goes to window*  
"DARN YOU, LADY FATE!"

Bert: "Thank ye. Now, less see... From Nuka- love tha' gal.

_'BWAHAHAHAH! Poor Aragorn, I don't really feel for Thorin after him abandoning the hobbit a while ago... Oh HEY! I read Gandalf's reading corner finally, so I finally get those references! Yippii! I love that thing you have with Fili and Kili treating Burt, what was the favor anyways?_

_ Hey burt, I was wondering how you cook ents... Those little boogers are really slow and infuriating, but I heard they make a great... Oh what's it called... It's not tobacco, it's like gum, but it's not that either... Anyways I heard they were really sweet so I was wondering if you knew how to cook them? Boil and dry, or Fry and bake? Hope you get better!'_

Well, I'm very 'appy you experienced Gandalf's show even though mine is far more developed and loved. As for the favor, Fili an' Kili attempted to do to me what they did to the old wizard. I caught 'em in the act an now they have ter do wot I say."

SloTurtle:"Anything?"

Bert: "Mind out 'er the gutter. You read up on those tree people, wot're they about?"

SloTurtle: "Ents, they're called Ents. Sadly, since they are basically living trees, the only eatable parts of the Ent would be the Kino or any fruit that they bear. When Ents are sliced or cut, they expel a sap-like substance called Kino- a gum made naturally from a plant or tree. The Ents, though very hard to injure let alone capture, have salty sweet Kino which is sought for in many areas of middle earth. Ent Kino is said to have magical healing properties that can cure many diseases found in modern day middle earth."

Thorin: "Pfft, NERD!"

SloTurtle: "Ignoramus. Thankfully, our producer and director knows people and has pulled some strings to get us a volunteer Ent on the show."

*Treebeard walks onto stage*

Treebeard: *breathes in* "Hello."

SloTurtle:"Treebeard you wouldn't mind if we got some Kino from you, would you?"

Treebeard: ".**breath.** Not at all... Small troll-ling"

SloTurtle: *Extracts Kino from incision on bark* "Ok, thank you!"

*Treebeard spends rest of episode leaving*

SloTurtle: "The Kino has solidified now, have a taste Bert!"

Bert: "O'ight." *chews Kino* "S'good."

Will: "Give it to me! I have a cold still!"

SloTurtle: "AHH!" *moves tray out of Will's way*

Will: *falls into miniature Mt. Doom*

SloTurtle: "Well, that happened."

Bert: 'sighs' "I'll get the prongs. And I will see you lot in the next episode. I really am glad ter be back!"

* * *

**A.n**

Hurrah! Bert has returned! Thankfully his cold is now totally gone, thanks to that Ent Kino! Just like Bert, I am so glad to be back. I really hope you all enjoy this little show. Until it's cancelled or it ends, at least. Remember, Bert and I love you all and we enjoy hearing from you.

Sincerely,  
SloTurtle


	12. Announcement!

Bert: "'Ello, ladies and gent'le men!"

Sam: "Yes, hello. We're broadcasting now to give a special and important announcement!"

Bert: "I thought we were actually doin' anotha episode."

Sam: "We'll get to that, but first we need requests! We need to know that you guys still want to participate."

Bert: "Aw, you worry too much."

Sam: "I worry just enough! Right now, I'm worried just enough about our fans' happiness."

Bert: "Oh really?"

Sam: "Well~ Our ratings may have dropped as well..."

Bert: "Yer unbelievable! You business 'obbits are always thinkin' about money an' ratings!"

Sam: "How else do you think I keep this business running?"

Bert: "Wot business? We're in a story on the interwebs! That crazy writer is controlling wot we say an' wot we do righ' at this 'ere moment!"

Sam: "Fourth wall fourth wall fourth wall fourth wall fourth wall. Forth wall. Fourth wall. FOOOOOOOURTH WALL."  
*Waves arms around*

Sam: "Anyways, I am happy to announce that starting now, we have an official e-mail account! And not that insane old writer's account- one for us! For Bert's Cooking Show, Reading Corner with Gandalf, and Thranduil's Extreme Fashion Makeovers! It is an account where you, the fans, can send the team of Hobbit Productions suggestions, fan letters, fan-art, requests, and complaints! We won't be ignoring the comments and reviews, though, so don't be shy! We will of course accept whatever comes in SloTurtle's inbox on this website, too."

Bert: "Don't go sendin' us fanfiction, though. Weird stuff, that is. Don't like it."

Sam: "Oh, don't hate on their ideas! You can send us fan art _and_ fanfiction if you like. We don't mind! As you all know, we here at Hobbit Productions love hearing from our fans and enjoy hearing their views about the show."

Bert: "Right, well... Be seein' ya."

* * *

**A/n**

**So, yeah. Hobbit Productions has their own E-mail thing now. I'm being totally serious. It is an email account dedicated to the series(Fanon?) and the fans! The email is - HobbitProductions316 **

**There, you can find Bert, Sam, Gandalf, and all the other crew members and hosts from the shows!**

**Love always,  
****SloTurtle**


	13. Pies

**A/N**

**Ears were kinda listening to The Worst Pies in London and this popped into mind. Don't blame us, it's the brain that does the think-y idea things. We're just the hands. **

* * *

**WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE RECIPES AT HOME WITHOUT TROLL SUPER VISION.**

* * *

Announcer: "Welcome to a Hobbit Productions project, Bert's Cooking Show! Now for our host, Bert the Troll!"

Bert: "Welcome, indeed! We've got a sweet surprise fer you lot tonigh'! Please introduce yerself, mystery guest."

?: "'Ello lovelies. Name's Mrs. Lovett."

Bert: "I heard that ye make the best and worst pies in London. 'Ow d'ye accomplish such a thing?"

Mrs. Lovett: "Sorry, it's a family secret- all to do with herbs. Things like being careful with your coriander."

Bert: "Coriander?"

Mrs. Lovett: "Yep. I do suppose it wouldn't hurt if I just showed you how to throw everything together..."

Bert: "As long as we make somefink."

Mrs. Lovett: "Alright, TOBY!"

*Toby runs onto stage, holding bowl of shredded meat*

Bert: "You've an assistant, too?"

Mrs. Lovett: "Ya, little Toby here is such a help. Now, first we need good crusting."

Bert: "We'll get to making that, and see you lot after commercials."

* * *

**Thranduil is _the_ most fabulous being in Middle Earth. Now, he shares his talents with those unfortunate fools who can't tell a silk scarf from an ascot. Follow the elven king on his 'quest' to make the world a little hotter in the newest Hobbit Productions and SloTurtle Corp. show, Thranduil's Extreme Fashion Makeovers!**

* * *

*Mrs. Lovett and Bert are completely covered in flour. Several pie crusts sit on counter. All of them are flops, except for one in the middle... It's perfect!*

Mrs. Lovett: "Great, now we've got that finished we just fill the pies with this pre-seasoned meat and bake them up!"

*They fill almost all of the pies*

Bert: "Hmm... we need more meat."

Mrs. Lovett: "Oh, I agree."

*Both hold butcher knives behind backs*

Bert: "TOM!"

*Tom throws wooden spoon from offstage. Spoon knocks Mrs. Lovett in the head*

Mrs. Lovett: "Oo Mr. Todd, love~ lied the sea- poor plump frame has, had, his... piss, ink. Urrrrgh."  
*Mrs. Lovett collapses, unconscious.*

Bert: "O'ight, let's get her in a pie, then."  
*Tom and Will drag Mrs. Lovett away and return with ground meat. Bert pours it into pies and sets everything in oven.*

Sweeney: *Sneakily slips money into Bert's hand* "Thanks, mate. Could you imagine how horrible life would be if I had to marry her? She'd rat me out if I rejected her."

Bert: "No problem, Ben- erm... _Sweeney_."

Oven: "DING! BREH, DEEZ PIES BE DONE!"

Bert: "That'd be the oven!"  
*Takes pies out of oven*

Bert: "Now innit tha' nice? And they taste absolutely divine!"

Toby: "Nuuuuuu! My not-so mom! Why!"

Bert: "Oh, forgot you were 'ere... Bill, give the kid a job on the crew."

*Toby leaves with Bill, cuddling a pie*

Announcer: "Goodbye for now! We hope to see you again, next time on Bert's Cooking Show!"

* * *

**A/N **

**I liked writing this... Yes, very much so. This was fun.**


	14. Mail Time w The Cast 6

SloTurtle: "SUP FIRETRUCKERS!"

Bert: "We're back!"

*insert smol video of Bert and SloTurtle with sunglasses, nodding in rhythm in a car. 'Guess Who's Back' blares loudly*

Bert: "Did you miss us?"  
*Back to normal stage*

SloTurtle: "Of course they didn't! Look at our poor inbox, it's all dried up."  
*SloTurtle motions to a sad, desolate Mailbox*

Bert: "Not true, we've got one."

SloTurtle: "What? I thought everyone had forgotten about us."

Bert: "Nope. One person hasn't."

SloTurtle: "Well, read on!"

Bert: "I'm getting to it! Ahem.  
_Fabulous story, SLO Turtle! Very clever idea to discuss a "food item" that would occur naturally in Middle Earth but most people would never have thought of. - Five2EyesBlue_"

SloTurtle: "Aww, thank you! I didn't come up with the idea for Ents, though! It was a fan. I just did extensive research to make this show as serious and educational as it can be."

Bert: "This show? Serious? BAHAHAHAHA"

SloTurtle: "Hush you."

Bert: "Right, right. Sorry! So that Kino stuff is an actual thing in the real world?"

SloTurtle: "Of course it is! You think I just write this stuff willy nilly? I do research. Like in the Orc episode! Sooooo many wiki pages..."

Bert: "Yeesh. I don' pity you, friend."

SloTurtle: "Of course you don't."

Bert: "Well, we've answered the mail, s'pose it's time ter say g'bye."

SloTurtle: "Guess so..."

Bert: "Alrigh'. G'bye, fans!"

SloTurtle: "And don't forget to send mail!"

* * *

**A.n**

That took too long to get out. Eh. I've been super busy this summer even though we ended up not having a vacation. Next month I've got a month long acting camp and then a show. UUUUGH. WHY DOES BEING TALENTED HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT!? I'm joking, of course. Playful narcissism. Anyhow, Hobbit Productions' email for stuff you wanna ask or whatever is HobbitProductions316 . We've finally got it looking somewhat cool. I am so happy to be back into my writing. It's seriously been a while. Now I'm rambling. ANYWAYS, Bert and I love you all and we enjoy hearing from you.

Your Obedient Servant,  
Slo .T


End file.
